mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

[HOA_KSOP]

Which is a good thing. Then there is humor in truth.

 

[Nelson1812]

There's a lot of hurt in the truth... but not enough in humor.

 

[mTk]

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don' go in there! Don't go in the church you moron!"
She's watching our wedding video again.
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out.
Had a few drinks.
Nice guy.
He's a web designer.

 

[mTk]

I can't find my "Gone In 60 Seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
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What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
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What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe.
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Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No, but I'll wrestle you for it.
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I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.
There so stupid.
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"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russel Crowe movie."
"Gladiator?"
"No. I really miss her."
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My boss told me to have a good day.
So, I went home.
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A sweater I bought was picking up a lot of static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
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My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.

 

[mTk]

A husband buys a dozen pair of panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests: "Why the same color? People will think I don't change my panties."
Husband asks: "What people?"
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[mTk]

All this forehead and I still can't remember s***!
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I'm at Disneyland and this mother just told her son: "This is the happiest place on earth, don't make me slap you!"

 

[mTk]

Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.
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God: You're a buffalo.
Buffalo: OK!
God: You live on the prairie.
Buffalo: Yay!
God: You sound excited.
Buffalo: I am. Is it time for me to go?
God: If you are ready.
Buffalo: OK, bye Dad.
God:
Buffalo:
God: Bison.

 

[mTk]

Just another nutty religion!
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[Buckykatt]

 

[mTk]

You know you're getting old when you're watching a horror movie and teenagers are murdered
by the killer and you can relate to the killer.

 

[mTk]

Thought I found a quarter in my shoe, which was strange.
Turned out to be a nickel, which made even less cents.

 

[HOA_KSOP]

If I had any cents I would ignore this thread...

 

[Nort]

This thread has always been noncentsicle.

 

[steve]

Enough already......the buck stops here.......

 

[Nelson1812]

Yes Deer...

 

[mTk]

I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her.
She gently ran her fingers across my face and said "Is this seat taken?"

 

[HOA_KSOP]

What's so special about that? You take a roll of dollars to a strip club and you get several women doing the same thing. Ahem, not that I frequent that type of establishment...anymore...

 

[mTk]

Thank goodness I don't have to hunt for my own food.
I don't even know where tacos live.
-----
In a corn maze I thought I was being stalked.
It was earie.
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I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?
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I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda.
It was a Fanta Sea.
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Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora.
It means a lot.
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So I was at a Walmart earlier.
A woman was looking at frozen turkeys; she couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
He replied with a straight face, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

[mTk]

Dating: You're perfect. You can do no wrong.
Marriage: That is not where the spoons go, you idiot!
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[steve]

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

.....mmm not sure........but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu.........you get what you deserve.