mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!
- Thread starter mTk
- Start date
Did you ever drink an iced coffee that was so strong that for like four minutes you had hope?
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Some people don't understand that sitting in your own house alone in peace, eating snacks and minding your own business is f*****g priceless!
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Some people don't understand that sitting in your own house alone in peace, eating snacks and minding your own business is f*****g priceless!
How can you tell if there is a Hetzer in your bed?
By the "H" on its pajama pocket.
By the "H" on its pajama pocket.
How are mTk's jokes like a horse?
They pull up lame.
(That's a HOA original - BOOYAH!)
They pull up lame.
(That's a HOA original - BOOYAH!)
Laundry:
Washing - 30 minutes
Drying - 60 minutes
Putting Away - 7 to 10 business days
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When pirate Jean Lafitte saw the Governor advertising a $500 reward for his capture,
Lafitte offered $5,000 for the capture of the governor.
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I didn't know that I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo.
That's still a very low number of rodeos.
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Being a man it not easy, no make-up, no wig...if you're ugly, you're ugly.
Nothing can save you...except money!
Washing - 30 minutes
Drying - 60 minutes
Putting Away - 7 to 10 business days
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When pirate Jean Lafitte saw the Governor advertising a $500 reward for his capture,
Lafitte offered $5,000 for the capture of the governor.
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I didn't know that I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo.
That's still a very low number of rodeos.
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Being a man it not easy, no make-up, no wig...if you're ugly, you're ugly.
Nothing can save you...except money!
I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid.
I called the front desk and they told me they had a Dr. on staff.
After he made me feel better, I told him I was a amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor.
He nodded and said "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
I called the front desk and they told me they had a Dr. on staff.
After he made me feel better, I told him I was a amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor.
He nodded and said "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
I just began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen...I can feel it!
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Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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Everyone told Sam not to sing, but Samsung anyway.
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Every machine is a smoke machine...if you operate it wrong enough.
Something bad is about to happen...I can feel it!
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Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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Everyone told Sam not to sing, but Samsung anyway.
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Every machine is a smoke machine...if you operate it wrong enough.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say "No."
They're going to kill me anyway and I'd want to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say "No."
They're going to kill me anyway and I'd want to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
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I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid.
I called the front desk and they told me they had a Dr. on staff.
After he made me feel better, I told him I was a amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor.
He nodded and said "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
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Apparently some of you need a little help with this one. It was likely before you time. If not, then you are old and possibly have forgotten.
Anyway, here's a clue.
I called the front desk and they told me they had a Dr. on staff.
After he made me feel better, I told him I was a amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor.
He nodded and said "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician."
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Apparently some of you need a little help with this one. It was likely before you time. If not, then you are old and possibly have forgotten.
Anyway, here's a clue.
If a girl says her nipples are pierced, your response is "I don't believe you."
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I just invented a new word.
Plagiarized.
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I just invented a new word.
Plagiarized.
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world...then Who is.
Okay when does a joke become a "Dad joke"
When it's apparent.
When it's apparent.
So, I've been writing movie reviews for about ten years.
My wife's review of "Alien" puts everything I have written to shame.
"Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and...her cat. Four stars."
My wife's review of "Alien" puts everything I have written to shame.
"Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and...her cat. Four stars."
There are twelve days of Christmas.
NONE of which are in F*****g November!!
NONE of which are in F*****g November!!
Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your resume?
Me: That's when I went to yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
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100-200 years ago, people ate organic unprocessed food and didn't have vaccines and lived to the ripe old age
of child birth.
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Do you ever wonder how many houses you've passed in your life time that have people locked in the basement?
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Law professor: You are currently failing your ethics class.
Me: *Slides a $20 across the desk* How about now?
Me: That's when I went to yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.
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100-200 years ago, people ate organic unprocessed food and didn't have vaccines and lived to the ripe old age
of child birth.
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Do you ever wonder how many houses you've passed in your life time that have people locked in the basement?
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Law professor: You are currently failing your ethics class.
Me: *Slides a $20 across the desk* How about now?
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My kids asked me what it was like to be a parent.
I woke them up at 2 a.m. and told them my sock fell off.
I woke them up at 2 a.m. and told them my sock fell off.
Let's get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning
we can panic because a sports uniform didn't get put in the dryer.
we can panic because a sports uniform didn't get put in the dryer.