mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

[mTk]

So, I was in the kitchen and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically.
I felt bad for them, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box.
This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...............tenants.

 

[HOA_KSOP]

After that one Bootie might need to serve you with an eviction notice....you probably heard my groan all the way out in Montara.

 

[mTk]

Why don't eggs tell jokes.
They'd crack each other up.
---
I don't trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
---
Did you hear the rumor about the butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.

 

[mTk]

People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow".....
don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Just sayin'.

 

[mTk]

If I were a rapper my rap name would be "Gershwin" and I'd distribute my music exclusively on compact discs with blue cover art.
Because then..................wait for it.....................
they'd be Gershwin's rap CD's in blue.
(This is getting harder all the time.)

 

[Hedgehog]

If I were a rapper my rap name would be "Gershwin" and I'd distribute my music exclusively on compact discs with blue cover art.
Because then..................wait for it.....................
they'd be Gershwin's rap CD's in blue.
(This is getting harder all the time.)

Now that took some thinking

 

[mTk]

Picked up a hitch hiker. Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same care were extremely unlikely.

 

[Badger73]

If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't if follow then that;

• electricians can be delighted,
• musicians denoted,
• and, cowboys deranged?

:sofa:

 

[steve]

A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.......it was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.......

 

[steve]

Mr Green peered over his fence and noticed that the neighbour's little boy was in the garden filling in a hole.
curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr Green asked "Hey Jimmy, what are you doing?"

Tearfully, little Jimmy replied " My goldfish died, and I'm burying him"

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" asked Mr Green.

...........Patting down the last piece of earth, little Jimmy replied " That's because he's inside your cat"


Steve

 

[mTk]

Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
----------
When I was told I had one leg shorter than the other, I thought I'd look silly in my orthopedic shoes.
But now........... I stand corrected.
----------
Her: You wanna go upstairs?
Me: Sure...
Her: Do you have protection?
Me: Wh-why? What's up there?

 

[Nathangun]

Where's Rodney Dangerfield when you need him.

 

[HOA_KSOP]

Where's Rodney Dangerfield when you need him.

I don’t know, but clearly mTk picked up his notebook of jokes at his estate sale.

 

[mTk]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanished from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes's famous philosophy of "I think; therefore, I am," but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be
...........putting Descartes before the horse.

 

[HOA_KSOP]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanished from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes's famous philosophy of "I think; therefore, I am," but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be
...........putting Descartes before the horse.

Dear Lord and sweet baby Jesus, save us from this agony.

 

[Buckykatt]

3 ropes were walking down the street when they decided to have a drink in a bar, so one rope goes in to see what its like. The bartender tells him that he won't serve ropes, so he walks out, and the next rope goes in and the bartender tells him the same thing, so he leaves and tells the 3rd rope that the place is not "pro" rope. The 3rd rope tossels his top and ties himself in a knot and walks in full of confidence and orders a drink, the bartender tells him hes not gonna serve a rope. The rope says I'm not a rope, the bartender says yes your are and the rope says well, "I'm a frayed knot"

 

[sspoom]

I got a fillup this morning. While we're waiting, the attendant says "you want to hear today's joke?"

Me, cautiously: "Um, OK."

He said: "There's two fish in a tank."

Long pause

"One fish says to the other"

Another pause

"Do you even know how to drive this thing?"

 

[mTk]

 

[Hedgehog]

Gods little Angel

 

[mTk]

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips.
I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."