mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!
- Thread starter mTk
- Start date
Last night I told my husband I heard a noise.
He walked out to go check on it in his underwear, armed with just his phone flashlight.
It's nice to know that if we ever wind up in a horror movie, I won't be the first to die.
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He walked out to go check on it in his underwear, armed with just his phone flashlight.
It's nice to know that if we ever wind up in a horror movie, I won't be the first to die.
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- Joined
- Jul 25, 2016
- Messages
- 3,098
- Reaction score
- 2,827
- Age
- 62
Nobody got it?
I'll give you a little bit more time.
I'll give you a little bit more time.
Why does my wife always wait until I am at the opposite end of the house before asking me to
"Merm frner mernferr bernerferr!"?
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"Merm frner mernferr bernerferr!"?
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My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
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It's like I've never seen herbivore.
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Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
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"I think the golden rule for men should be: Don't say anything to a woman on the street that you wouldn't want a man saying to you in prison."
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The quarantine has strained many marriages, but for some of us it has enhanced our relationships.
I'm lucky to have the most loving wife.
Last night I woke up while she was holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from COVID-19.
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Me: I won't make it!
Her: It's a toe cramp.
Me: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood!
Her: That's sweat.
Me: Tell my story.
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Congratulations upon getting married!
Today your relationship is unshakable.
A few years from now everything will be put to the test
after you buy the wrong kind of bread.
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The quarantine has strained many marriages, but for some of us it has enhanced our relationships.
I'm lucky to have the most loving wife.
Last night I woke up while she was holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from COVID-19.
-----
Me: I won't make it!
Her: It's a toe cramp.
Me: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood!
Her: That's sweat.
Me: Tell my story.
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Congratulations upon getting married!
Today your relationship is unshakable.
A few years from now everything will be put to the test
after you buy the wrong kind of bread.
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Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks?
Mini-soda.
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A pretty lady in a restaurant just asked me, "Are you single?"
I happily replied, "Yes."
She then took away the extra chair from my table.
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me: [snuggled in bed] Oh, wow, this is nice.
legs: OMG so warm.
feet: OMG so warm.
hands: OMG so warm.
bladder: Hey guys...
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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll ya' have?"
The rabbit says, "I dunno. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
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The older I get, the less surprised I think I'd be
if a random body part just fell off one day.
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If you run into someone you know and they say, "We should hang out sometime."
Just say, "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medication today.
The good news is, I am now protected from heartworms and fleas for the next three months.
Mini-soda.
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A pretty lady in a restaurant just asked me, "Are you single?"
I happily replied, "Yes."
She then took away the extra chair from my table.
-----
me: [snuggled in bed] Oh, wow, this is nice.
legs: OMG so warm.
feet: OMG so warm.
hands: OMG so warm.
bladder: Hey guys...
-----
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll ya' have?"
The rabbit says, "I dunno. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
-----
The older I get, the less surprised I think I'd be
if a random body part just fell off one day.
-----
If you run into someone you know and they say, "We should hang out sometime."
Just say, "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.
-----
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medication today.
The good news is, I am now protected from heartworms and fleas for the next three months.
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My neighbor just yelled at her kinds so loud that
even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.
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Do you all remember, before the internet, that people thought the cause of stupidity
was the lack of information?
Yeah. Wasn't that.
even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.
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Do you all remember, before the internet, that people thought the cause of stupidity
was the lack of information?
Yeah. Wasn't that.
Supposedly this is how cabbages grow, but you can't fool me!
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Aliens.... Where is Sigourney Weaver!
Congratulations to the astronauts that left earth today.
Good choice.
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Aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors.
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Wife: "I'm pissed!"
Husband: "Again or still?"
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Customer: "Where are the Arnold Schwartzenegger action figures sold?"
Sales Clerk: "Aisle B, back."
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Science tip:
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention
to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Good choice.
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Aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors.
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Wife: "I'm pissed!"
Husband: "Again or still?"
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Customer: "Where are the Arnold Schwartzenegger action figures sold?"
Sales Clerk: "Aisle B, back."
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Science tip:
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention
to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
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Her: "My cat died. I want another just like that one!"
Me: "Why the hell would you want two dead cats?"
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Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden
from the world and have them all to your self?
Well, apparently, that's called kidnapping.
Me: "Why the hell would you want two dead cats?"
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Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden
from the world and have them all to your self?
Well, apparently, that's called kidnapping.
Him: I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.
Me: Has she realized what you've done?
Him: No, but the thyme is cumin.
Me:
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I dunno about you guys, but I preferred it when I didn't have to close cookie acceptance
pop-ups for every website I visited.
Me: Has she realized what you've done?
Him: No, but the thyme is cumin.
Me:
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I dunno about you guys, but I preferred it when I didn't have to close cookie acceptance
pop-ups for every website I visited.