mTk's Humor Strikes Again. You've Been Warned!

We were driving past a cemetery and my dad said, in a dead serious, quiet voice, "I know something
you don't know about this place. The people living in this town are not allowed to be buried here."
I was really confused so I asked why and he said,
"Because they are still alive."
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And then...oh, never mind.
Can't top that one.
 
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Fact:
Never trust anyone who spells gonorrea right on the first time.
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If I die and come back as a hillbilly is that reintarnation?
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I can't believe it's riot season already.
I still have my Covid decoration up.
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Him: French fries aren't cooked in France.
Me: Where are they cooked?
Him: In Greece.
Me:
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I accidentally rubbed catsup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
(sorry about that one)
 
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard.
Only took 20 minutes...and 57 days.
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One of the weirder things about being an adult is having a favorite
stove top burner, yet nobody talks about it.
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Had a threesome last night.
Two no shows, but I still had a nice time.
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Don't argue with people on social media.
Every classroom had a kid that ate paste.
That's probably who you are arguing with.
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This is a fact:
The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a returns to tranquility and normality following recent events.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
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Gotcha.
 
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree.
Upon arrival, he started to swing at a tree, when it shouted, "Wait, I'm a talking tree."
The lumber jack grinned and said: "And you'll dialogue."
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The neighbor's kids challenged me to a water fight.
I'm just waiting for the water to boil.
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Apparently when you donate blood it has to be your blood.
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Do people who say "Exercise helps me relax" know about not exercising?
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Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they are full of anty bodies.
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I ordered Chinese food for delivery.
Little Chinese driver comes to the door and I walked out to meet him.
He started shouting "Isolate! Isolate!"
I said "Mate, you're not late. I only ordered 15 minutes ago."
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If you see a toilet in your dreams...don't use it.
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How long before the statue of Rocky Balboa gets taken down?
He beat up THREE black men AND a Communist!
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If you have an organ donor card, you drop loot when you die.
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Met my daughter's teacher tonight. It was heartbreaking. She was working at her second job.
Teachers are the most underpaid, underappreciated, yet most valuable people in the world.
Anyway, I gave her $50 for a lap dance. So, I'm doing my part.
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A cow did not give its life for you to order your steak well done.
 
Tragedy at workplace:
After falling into a giant coffee vat his wife told reporters:
"He didn't suffer. It was instant."
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F*** it!
The whiskey goes in the medicine cabinet now.
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Tea:
- Calming effects
- Many flavors
- The answer to all problems
Coffee:
- Anxiety juice
- Three heartbeats for the price of one
- More than four cups and you can talk to electricity
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The reopening of the LEGO stores was a big event in 2020.
Really?
Oh, yeah. People were lined up for blocks.
 
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A concert promoter who said he had the world's tallest piano player was found to be lying
today when his piano player found to be 5 foot 10.
Just another case of a man lying about the size of his pianist.
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News:
Our top story tonight, man who was swallowed whole by a whale escaped today
by running all the way down to the end until he was pooped.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's OK, he woke up.
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I've started a whisky diet.
I've lost 4 days already.
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